rambling

Sexuality

As a warning, this is probably more a stream of consciousness than anything else haha. I’d also like to make a little disclaimer here- I sometimes feel a bit selfish or self-involved whilst writing because there’s no conversation between people (apart from when you comment, thank you because I love reading comments!) so I have to use the word ‘I’ a lot which feels self-indulgent. I know this is kind of the point of a blog post haha but just know that I’m aware of it! This is also just a place to ramble, I am incredibly lucky to been safe and happy with a home, friends and family and there are so many larger issues going on. Lastly, I don’t represent everyone in the LGBTQIA community. That said, I would like to use this post to ramble about my sexuality.

Whilst I have always known that I have no interest in guys, I have also always been very aware of the prejudice, stigma and discrimination that can come with being labelled as gay or a lesbian. Whilst actively doing what I can to support LGBT causes, I have been very hesitant to come out as a lesbian. I have, however, now told my Mum and sister. I have social (and maybe general) anxiety which is maybe not always evident by looking at me- I often get told that I look incredibly laid back or relaxed which I always find amusing as I’m running through a million thoughts in my mind. In general, I am a laidback and chilled out person which makes for a very strange contrast to my simultaneously anxious ways. This anxiety is a combination of lots of things, from my introverted personality to losing my Dad as a child, and I feel like sexuality or relationships in general have contributed a lot to it. It can be very stressful discovering who you are when being gay still creates such an emotive response in society; I have accepted who I am and I would have been able to do this and meet people a lot earlier if it hadn’t been for the prejudice that exists (not by everyone, many people are amazing). In general, society assumes that being straight is the norm. This in itself is not necessarily a problem, however, society (generalising) also condemn people who do not ‘come out’ as lying or concealing their sexuality. In order to live a truthful, fulfilling life that may include having a relationship, LGBT people therefore have to come out, resulting in sexuality (I’m focusing more on sexuality than gender in this ramble) becoming a big revelation. This would maybe be okay if people were accepting; many are, however, there are still significant numbers of people who are homophobic. Therefore, if you are gay or bi, you are either ‘lying’ and hiding something, or you are vocal about your sexuality and therefore face prejudice (from some). This is a very, very difficult situation and has definitely contributed to my anxiety. I have spent most of my life single- in part, I have been very happy with this, I enjoy solitude and the freedom that comes with this. However, there are times- particularly when I think about the future (society also make you feel old by 24 hahaha)- that I feel lonely. I have been able to rid (supress) some of my anxiety in the past by ignoring my sexuality, however, if I do this for long enough I have become depressed. We therefore must do something about the world we live in where people experience anxiety for being themselves, or depression that comes from repressing your sexuality. Thank you so much everyone who is already taking steps to do this and support LGBT rights. My Mum and sister have been incredibly kind and supportive and have been upset only by the fact that they have seen how ill I have made myself in worrying about what to say and what people will think. However, I am still incredibly nervous to tell others and potentially experience prejudice or negative assumptions. There are also a number of men who genuinely believe that some more feminine girls lie about their sexuality to attract male attention, or who sexualise lesbian or bi girls (again, I am not referring to all men, I have so much respect for most people).

I don’t know where I’m going with this post but in a way it’s allowing me the chance to think about and vocalise some things that I have maybe suppressed. I think one of the things people are usually curious to know is when somebody ‘decided’ to be gay or realised- if I really took the time to think about my sexuality, I probably could have come out at any age. I have a specific memory of being around 6 and my friend talking about marrying a man and having children. Even then, I replied that I want children but don’t want to be married. The first time a guy kissed me I was in panic attack mode for around two days- this was the type of guy who, if I was straight I would have been attracted to. The fact that I felt nothing/anxiety when he kissed me signalled that I would not be able to lie to myself and I found this extremely stressful. I have never wanted a relationship with a man and have thought about it only in the past as a resolution to being forever alone- there were times when I considered pretending to be straight almost to make life easier. However, ultimately, I knew that I would become ill with anxiety and more importantly I could not lie to another person. I would be negatively affecting someone else’s life if I did this and I could not allow myself to do this. This would be incredibly unfair.

 Now that I feel free to admit that I’m not attracted to guys, I have space to think about my feelings. I have liked guys on a surface level before (because I put lots of effort into making myself hahaha, what a disaster) and I still blush or get nervous if an extremely attractive guy talks to me, however, this is the furthest my attraction goes, I have never wanted to be in a relationship with a guy. Interestingly, guys that I have dated in the past are bi or now have boyfriends- I feel like we both instantly felt safer and more relaxed with each other because we knew we were not straight hahaha (this post is probably quite something for a Fredian psychologist). Ironically, I feel like after I come out to everyone, I will be able to have stronger relationships with males. I’ve never really felt very close to guys, and having no brothers, I wish I had close male friends. However, I have always been concerned that if I am very friendly towards guys I meet that they will take it as flirting or assume I like them (not that they’d necessarily like me back, I don’t want to come across as being very vain because that’s not what I mean at all haha). It has been very stressful thinking of 1000000 reasons to reject guys that have asked me out (again, not saying there have been many) without hurting their feelings or being questioned by my friends (I’m honestly so curious as to what my friends think my sexuality is hahaha, my sister said she kind of thought I liked girls but also kind of thought I’d secretly dated more guys and just hadn’t told her, or just haven’t dated many people because I’m so shy/anxious).

 Because I am so stereotypically feminine, people assume that I am straight- despite a few subtle stereotypes such as being a crazy cat lady, loving Hozier, Lana del ray songs, Orange is the New Black, Killing Eve, doc martens and being vegan- also the subtle hint in that I show absolutely no interest in guys (I’d be intrigued to learn if anyone on here thought/assumed anything of my sexuality, I find it interesting to know). This is in some ways a blessing as I do not encounter negativity ort abuse from strangers who assume that I am gay, however, it also means that I will have to consistently come out throughout my life and experience the reactions that may not necessarily be positive.

Anyway, the point was I’m looking forward to hopefully building closer relationships to guys in the future because we will both know that it is entirely based upon platonic friendship. I think I’ll eventually be more confident and more able to be myself in general- hiding your sexuality wears (wheres?) you down over time. I’ve felt tired whilst socialising and spent a lot of time holding back, feeling secretive, or lying about which guys I find attractive. I am now worried that some girls may jump to the wrong conclusion that I must secretly like them, and this is something I find extremely stressful in the prospect of telling my friends that I like girls. I always try to go for the approach of saying nothing about guys where I can rather than directly lying, but as I mentioned earlier, having to ‘lie’ is not something to be ashamed of- it is unfair of society to condemn people for hiding their sexuality when the world can be homophobic.

I’m also excited to now feel able to think about what I want in the future, where before it was an anxious disaster cycle of deciding whether to be alone forever (which I still might be, who knows hahaha, and ps. It’s completely fine if you want to be), being with guys which I know I would not be able to sustain long term or coming out. I think this time to think is necessary, as contrary to what some people believe, coming out does not mean you have all the answers and you are going to be in a relationship straight away. I now have more questions that before, for example, thinking about how I will have children and the issues/questions that will arise from this. However, the point is I am starting to feel free to think about these things, I am beginning to feel excited about the future and it is starting to have form. I believe that in coming out you are gifting yourself the freedom that most straight people take for granted (again, I am not reflecting on a number of important social justice issues here, I understand that there are significant problems and abuse that can take place in heterosexual relationships, I am simply reflecting upon the absence of issues specifically relating to sexuality). I have a long way to go and a lot more stress and anxiety to work through before reaching the ‘other side’ (this is very cheesy) but I feel freer already.

If you are currently in the place that I have been in, please feel free to talk to me (my Instagram is carlybooksandmusic), I will never reveal anything you say to anybody else. Also, please know that you do not have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Thank you if you’ve read this whole ramble haha, as soon as I post this I will probably be incredibly stressed (good old anxiety hahaha). I hope you’re well 😊 

19 comments

  1. Good for you Carly. I learned many years ago never to make assumptions about people’s sexuality. I’m not sure why it’s anybody’s business, really, who you fancy. It’s just that lots of people are very odd about it. In my head, as long as sex is consensual, and there are no children or animals involved, that’s fine.

    One of my daughters, aged 14, (a long time ago now!) said at breakfast one day “Mum, I think I might be a lesbian.” Ooh, said I, why do you think that? “Well, I don’t fancy any boys.” Do you fancy any girls? “er, no”. Well, wait until you fancy one or the other and then you can decide.

    My other daughter’s best friend at school was gay. “Was” because he died very young, in a hit and run traffic accident. When this daughter was teased at school that she “looked like” a lesbian,and she said “well, what if I am?” that shut them up.

    You just be you and you will know who your real friends are. I am the only person I know who had to “come out” as straight when I was at work, because I always wear trousers and have very short hair. Stereotyping or what! the world is a crazy place.

    I really hope that this coming out publicly will help you. The thought that you have been ill as a result of trying to hide it is so sad. Be happy with who you are.

    Love and hugs.
    Mandy. x x x

    Liked by 3 people

      1. As it turned out, both are straight! but I just needed them to know that it’s all fine. I worked with a gay bloke at the time, who laughed like a drain when I reported these conversations to him. Guessing that’s not how it worked for him . . .

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I appreciate your honesty.

    I have some thoughts. I’m not sure what I should share here vs. in a private message vs. not at all, especially considering we don’t really know each other…

    Like

  3. Hey Carly,
    I admire how you are becoming more empowered by telling your whole truth. Between the expectation and stereotypes, society tend to see one side of LGBT, when in truth, there of many facets. Despite that some may have ignorant views about others with different sexualities, all of us who care and respect will spread acceptance. No matter who, your raw truth can remind how empowering it is to embrace oneself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey Carly,
    I admire how you are becoming more empowered by telling your whole truth. Between the expectation and stereotypes, society tend to see one side of LGBT, when in truth, there of many facets. Despite that some may have ignorant views about others with different sexualities, all of us who care and respect will spread acceptance. No matter who, your raw truth can remind how empowering it is to embrace oneself.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I loved this post. I can relate to it very much. It is so important to live your truth and the topic on LGBTQ can be so controversial for some. I came out to my mom as a lesbian a year ago and she pretends I never said anything (huge denial) but she did me the favor of not telling anyone in my homophobic family and I’m glad. She just doesn’t accept it. But anyways, thank you for this post and opening up about sexuality. Keep being you, stay strong. Cheers 💓

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is a beautiful post, right from your heart….I find it’s just not about finding yourself….it’s soul searching at a deeper level….your post makes a very good sense though you felt halfway where you were going with it….the way you’ve expressed yourself is absolutely beautiful….it’s not easy to let people see who you (in general) really are….you’ve simply poured your heart…thanks for this amazing sharing ✨

    Like

      1. You’re welcome

        Hey FYI, I have sent you an invitation to re-follow my blog. There has been some glitches with notifications. So I had to “remove you”. Pls check your mail & accept the invite if you would still like to follow my blog. Alternatively, you may click on “Follow” button in your WP reader 🙏✨💛

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I enjoyed reading about you. You don’t come across as being self-absorbed.
    A few years after my husband and I separated, my kids told me that he is gay. I cried. I didn’t feel betrayed, but rather, I was happy for him. He was 50 when he told his family. How sad is it that we live in a society where you can’t be your true, authentic self?
    I related to what you said about anxiety and depression. I also have both and people will often say, “You don’t act like a depressed person!” People don’t realize that the face we show the world has nothing to do with what goes on inside.
    Stay strong. I admire your courage!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi sorry if I’ve already replied to this, I’m trying to make sure I haven’t accidentally missed any comments! It is incredibly sad and in so many ways- not only are individuals affected, but their partners and families/children who may eventually find out, all because of a society that is still not very accepting! I hope you’re doing well, thank you, you too!

      Like

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